An Open Letter to the Guy Who Made Me Feel I Could Never Be Loved

We were in love, and I was ready to take on the world with you. We were going to be such a power couple that would never waiver in anything in life.

You talked about starting a business, and I was ready to help you. I was ready to be your support system. I already was a big part of it. You called me your cheerleader. I would stop what I was doing to listen to you vent, I was there for you when you were having family issues. I supported you and loved you.

Now I realize you were just using me through that hard time in your life.

I used to ask myself what I did wrong. But I know that it's you not me. You asked what my relationship issues were. I literally thought to myself that it's the fact that I care too much, and that I love too deeply.

Now because of you. I have trust issues, I opened up some of the darkest places of my life to you. You accepted me and loved me. Then one day you handed everything back to me. I trusted you. And you abandoned me when it was your turn to give me a little support.

But when you would make comments about my body, I wouldn't eat the next day, or week. Sometimes longer depending on what you said.

You made me feel like I could never mean anything to anyone. That I could never be really great friends with someone, that you were my only shot and you didn't even want me.

Well, here's the thing. I am so much more independent and stronger because of the crap you put me through.

You were so arrogant. So full of yourself, you couldn't even see me. You couldn't see what was really going on. How much I was hurting or how much I had changed. You saw a pretty face and a skinny body. But you didn't actually see me.

And for that I am glad, otherwise we would still be together and I wouldn't have had the chance to meet someone who can actually see me.

Don't Hate The Love You Gave

Don't hate the love you gave. Don't hate that you let yourself be emotionally vulnerable. Don't hate your capacity to love. It makes you real. The concept of 'real' is scarce in today's world. Don't hate that you were able to be real.

The fact that you can share your love with others shows how wonderful you are. Too many people are filled with hate. There is so much of it, and  you don't need to add to it. And you certainly don't need to hate yourself for loving someone who hurt you. Love hurts, but love also heals. Whereas hate hurts and doesn't heal. Don't hate yourself for once loving someone, continue to give love, but be cautious where you give it.

For too long I hated that I gave this friend time out of my day, everyday. I hated that I listened to his problems, and supported him when he was struggling. I hated that I loved him, and that he would tell me he loved me too, only to find out later he was okay with loosing me. I hated that I trusted him, that I opened up to him. I hated that I dated him, and that we talked seriously about getting married. I hated that we gave up.

I never felt anger like this. The worst argument I've ever had with a friend was when we were 7 or 8. We solved our differences by singing! We made up a song to solve our differences! (Obviously we liked to watch Disney...) Now days, my friends just laugh at me when I get up set at someone/something, and call me "cute", or that I'm being too sweet, and I need to just be mean! So in the past I have tried to be fiercely angry, unfortunately it only makes me cuter to them...My point is I don't get angry very easily, I'm just not good at it.

So, with that picture painted; I have never felt anger like this. The kind where it just spills out, there's no hiding it. You find yourself talking bad about someone and meaning it. Where your face actually gets hot with rage, and your blood boils. Where you just want to yell and scream, and you're not even sure what is coming out of your mouth anymore. It felt awful. I was so angry because I loved him, and I wished I could take back all that love I gave.

For weeks I felt this hate towards him, and towards myself for being so stupid in loving and trusting him. The amount of rage I felt, all the time, pulled me down. Making other areas of my life hard as well. Work was hard to enjoy, doing the things that brought me joy were hard to do. I was so filled with hate for him and myself that it started to spill into other aspects of my life and make me down right miserable.

How I healed From Hate
I healed with love. First I decided I love who I am. Then I decided I had to love the ignorant girl who I was before. The girl who loved, a stupid guy, just enough and got hurt. So because I got hurt, it seemed like I had loved him too much. I had to realize I didn't love him too much or too little. It is important to give others a chance at tasting your love, and if they can't appreciate it, then they don't deserve it. But if you never let anyone have the chance to experience the love and care that you have to offer, then you will simply miss out on finding love altogether.

I also had to find it in me to love him in some way. We were not born with hate, it's something we learn. So I replaced the frustration I had towards him with gratitude. I wasn't grateful for the heartache, but rather the growth that came from it. I can now thank him, because I am stronger today than I was yesterday.

Love requires risk, and when you heart gets broken, let it build you stronger. Don't wait for someone else to come along to repair the damage that is there. If you really want to be healed you must learn how to heal it yourself. Learn to be independent in your emotions and you will find the greatest peace, and the most wonderful capacity to love. Because you are no longer fueled on the acceptance of others. Rather it is based upon the perspective you have on yourself, so let it be a positive one!

Love will do more for you than hate ever can, love will heal you, and help you to grow. I now love my job more than ever, I also enjoy doing so many things again. I have put my life back together, even better than it was before I dated him. This wouldn't be possible if I was still wallowing in loathing for him, myself, and for us.

A Day at a Time will Get You There Faster

Quit robbing your future by worrying about what's going to happen, if you're going to be successful, happy, if you'll ever find love, and so on. The unknown is overwhelming, for sure, and wanting to be at point "B" when you are at point "A" is difficult and frustrating. It can especially be challenging if you have no idea how to get to point "B".

The way to get there is to quit living there, meaning quit worrying about being there. When faced with this overwhelming fact of "How in the world do I get to that point "B" in my life?!" There are 3 things you can do:

1. Don't Take Action: Turn away from the work it would take to get to point B.
2. Take Action: Start small, and come up with a plan. Decide that you are going to take responsibility for the direction of your life and what you will do to get to where you ultimately want to be.
3. Take Action, and Give Up:  this is when number 2 hooks up with number 1. You start out motivated and ready to do the hard and heavy lifting to get to where you want to be; but doubt slaps you so hard in the face you actually listen and give up. 

Don't give up because you don't see results right away. Rome was not built in a day, and neither is a great future.

Focus on the here and now. Do what you can today, because what you do today effects tomorrow. Don't wait to take action. Don't wait on pursuing your dreams or goals when you have more time, more money, or another factor that would make life less stressful.

Very rarely is there going to be an ideal time in a your life where you can set everything aside to just focus on achieving your dreams. There will be tough times where you'll just want to throw in the towel because life gets hard, and you're not seeing results right away. When things get hard, try harder, and soon the hard times won't be so hard. Life is manageable when you aren't discouraged, keep going.

Look at how much better you are
Instead of looking at how far you have left to go, look at how far you've come. Everyone says don't look back. In this case look back! Look at what you have overcome in your life. Look at how much better you are today. To be stronger than what has happened to you will feed that motivation to keep going and to not give up. Recognize your strengths and you'll be stronger for it.

Ask For Help
We are our biggest critiques, we are the hardest on ourselves. Do not be afraid to ask for help, or for an extra opinion. We have family and friends for a reason, they are a huge asset, and a wonderful support system in helping you attaining that beautiful future you dream of.

One day at a time
Focus on what you can do today. Even if it's something small, and it's just doing something that makes you happy. Then do it! Progress is progress. "The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now." --Chinese Proverb

Not everything is going to come at once. But it will come if you put in the effort a day at a time.

How to Stay Strong

• Remember why you left

Make a list. Write down why you are better off without him, you should go into a relationship with your eyes wide open. Often times, we don’t do this. Why? Because we are in love, and love makes people dumb! I myself have been blinded by love, I gave this one guy the benefit of the doubt way too many times. Looking back on how he treated me, I’m disappointed in myself for letting him treat me that way.

• Stay true to yourself

Don’t doubt what you were feeling at the end of the relationship. When you find the right one, you won’t have to experience the pain of losing  him. It’s often quoted "...men by nature are hunters and go for what they want...men go hard for what they want. If he is not going hard for you, you are not what he wants"  A guy who truly cares or loves you won't let you walk out of their life. It hurts. But know your worth, you should be with someone who can see how much you matter. Don’t sell yourself short.

• Don’t fill your head with fantasies of what could have happened

If it was really “meant to be” it would have been. It’s a waste of energy to think of what could have happened and it’s only going to make you feel down. Life is sweetest when you are truly happy, and thinking about how something good could happen if you were still together isn’t going to give you that good life. Especially if you are comparing those fantasies to where you are and what you are doing right now.

• Don’t dwell on the past

Living in the past is the best way to rob your future. If you are constantly thinking about the good ol’ days you’ll be missing out on creating a great present and future. Don’t take the present moment for granted, this is  where you build for a better tomorrow.

• Forget the If factor

What if you would have done more, what if you looked different in one way or another, what if you would have said more? What if you were still together? The if factor will only drive you crazy and make you miserable, live in the moment. Take out the if in your life, make something concrete, something that you know of for sure (this concept ties into the next bullet point).

• Do something new

Don’t get stuck in old habits. I had a roommate who dumped her boyfriend, we were all so proud of her. We could all see that she could do so much better, we thought they were done for good, and we were all surprised when they were back together a week later. And here’s why they got back together:

She was bored. She spent every single evening with her boyfriend, all her free time was with him. So once they broke up what else did she have to do? She didn’t know, so she went back to what she was used to; and wasn’t happy. This cycle kept happening for months.

So find a new hobby, learn a new skill and focus your time and energy towards it. Go out with your friends, they are a great support system in times like this.

When those what if thoughts start running through your mind, when you start to think about what you two would be doing right now if you were still together STOP!! Just stop!!! Remember you are strong and deserve to be treated right, remember why it didn’t work. Love makes people dumb, now is your chance to be smart.