Don't Hate The Love You Gave

Don't hate the love you gave. Don't hate that you let yourself be emotionally vulnerable. Don't hate your capacity to love. It makes you real. The concept of 'real' is scarce in today's world. Don't hate that you were able to be real.

The fact that you can share your love with others shows how wonderful you are. Too many people are filled with hate. There is so much of it, and  you don't need to add to it. And you certainly don't need to hate yourself for loving someone who hurt you. Love hurts, but love also heals. Whereas hate hurts and doesn't heal. Don't hate yourself for once loving someone, continue to give love, but be cautious where you give it.

For too long I hated that I gave this friend time out of my day, everyday. I hated that I listened to his problems, and supported him when he was struggling. I hated that I loved him, and that he would tell me he loved me too, only to find out later he was okay with loosing me. I hated that I trusted him, that I opened up to him. I hated that I dated him, and that we talked seriously about getting married. I hated that we gave up.

I never felt anger like this. The worst argument I've ever had with a friend was when we were 7 or 8. We solved our differences by singing! We made up a song to solve our differences! (Obviously we liked to watch Disney...) Now days, my friends just laugh at me when I get up set at someone/something, and call me "cute", or that I'm being too sweet, and I need to just be mean! So in the past I have tried to be fiercely angry, unfortunately it only makes me cuter to them...My point is I don't get angry very easily, I'm just not good at it.

So, with that picture painted; I have never felt anger like this. The kind where it just spills out, there's no hiding it. You find yourself talking bad about someone and meaning it. Where your face actually gets hot with rage, and your blood boils. Where you just want to yell and scream, and you're not even sure what is coming out of your mouth anymore. It felt awful. I was so angry because I loved him, and I wished I could take back all that love I gave.

For weeks I felt this hate towards him, and towards myself for being so stupid in loving and trusting him. The amount of rage I felt, all the time, pulled me down. Making other areas of my life hard as well. Work was hard to enjoy, doing the things that brought me joy were hard to do. I was so filled with hate for him and myself that it started to spill into other aspects of my life and make me down right miserable.

How I healed From Hate
I healed with love. First I decided I love who I am. Then I decided I had to love the ignorant girl who I was before. The girl who loved, a stupid guy, just enough and got hurt. So because I got hurt, it seemed like I had loved him too much. I had to realize I didn't love him too much or too little. It is important to give others a chance at tasting your love, and if they can't appreciate it, then they don't deserve it. But if you never let anyone have the chance to experience the love and care that you have to offer, then you will simply miss out on finding love altogether.

I also had to find it in me to love him in some way. We were not born with hate, it's something we learn. So I replaced the frustration I had towards him with gratitude. I wasn't grateful for the heartache, but rather the growth that came from it. I can now thank him, because I am stronger today than I was yesterday.

Love requires risk, and when you heart gets broken, let it build you stronger. Don't wait for someone else to come along to repair the damage that is there. If you really want to be healed you must learn how to heal it yourself. Learn to be independent in your emotions and you will find the greatest peace, and the most wonderful capacity to love. Because you are no longer fueled on the acceptance of others. Rather it is based upon the perspective you have on yourself, so let it be a positive one!

Love will do more for you than hate ever can, love will heal you, and help you to grow. I now love my job more than ever, I also enjoy doing so many things again. I have put my life back together, even better than it was before I dated him. This wouldn't be possible if I was still wallowing in loathing for him, myself, and for us.